You know how it is, you get bogged down in work, various occassions require celebrating, some legal obligations come to light and some other generally important matters need attention. Before you know it, it’s been one, two, three, three and a half(?!) weeks since you posted anything on your blog.

Fuck.

It’s Monday again. This might help.

Yup. That’s me.

Sadly, this is one of my better posts.

Just when you thought the government had run out of ridiculous ideas to waste our tax money, along comes education minister Mary Hanafin and the shit-for-brains plan to give books to all newborn babies.  Apparently, the idea is to encourage reading from an early age, thus combatting illiteracy and other reading problems in later life.

Does minister Hanafin realise that newborn children will not, no matter how fucking hard you try to teach them, be able to read until they are, at the very least, 2 years old? Perhaps she thinks these books will survive two years of being torn, scribbled on and chewed so that they may be read by the children at a later stage? Does she not realise that the illiteracy problem lies with the fact that many parents do not (or cannot) read to their children and no amount of free books is going to change this? What kind of retard comes up with these ideas in the first place?

So there we have it, another day, another blatant waste of already sparse resources. More of our money slips down the tubes whilst some well-connected publisher pockets a handy fucking contract. God I love this government.

Not.

Ok, so the Taxi Regulator has had ads on the telly for some time now, but I don’t really pay much attention to ads so I only copped this today. At the end of the ad (which blatantly lies to us by saying, ‘There’s never been a better time to take a taxi’) this message is displayed on the screen:

To compliment or complain ring: 1890 60 60 90

Why didn’t they just say complain?

I’m an environmentalist. Not one of those tree-hugging, non-washing, hippie freaks, but I am an environmentalist none the less and I’m moderately concerned about the future of our planet. Since I am still quite young, I feel I have good reason to be concerned. Sure, it’s okay for you oldies who’ll be long dead before our atmospshere turns yellow and burns the skin off your face but, statistically, I’ve got another 50+ years in this life and I don’t want to spend the last of them breathing ‘Tesco Value Refined Air’ through a gas mask. God knows I won’t be able to afford the branded stuff.

So instead of just sitting back and watching my planet decompose in a aura of toxic fumes, I’ve decided to publish some helpful guides on how to restrict wasteful energy consumption in your daily life. Hopefully, I can help you change your bad habits and insult some annoying wankers in the process. In the first of these guides we will be looking at how you can save energy whilst driving your car:

Extreme Energy Saving Guide Part 1 - AUTOMOTHINGYS

You would think that with the current high prices of petrol and diesel, every motorist would be trying to minimise the amount of fuel consumed when they drive. Apparently not. Here are some easy tips to maximise your MPG:

1. Accelerate slowly. I have noticed lately that some people seem to think that they should go from 0-60 in 6 seconds every time they take off simply because their car is capable of doing this. I have also noticed other people who seem to think that their car can go from 0-60 in 6 seconds despite the fact that it is a 1995 Toyota Starlet and it is more likely to burst into a ball of fire than hit the 60mph mark in anything less than 25 seconds. Accerating hard burns fuel a lot faster than normal and revving your heap of shit car to the point that it can be heard in neighbouring counties makes you a certifiable tosspot.

2. Slow down and keep your distance. This one goes out to the motorist who insists on driving only in the overtaking lane when on motorways. Constantly braking and revving and braking and revving up the tailpipe of every car that has the audicity to be in your way. This is a very wasteful practice as braking reduces the momentum of the car which you then have to replace by accelerating once again. Not to mention the fact that every other person using the motorway thinks you are the highest order of cunt. Which you, no doubt, are.

3. Turn off unneccessary lights. Did you know that the lights inside and on your vehicle are not powered by some sort of magical perpetual motion machine, but actually consume the same fuel that powers your engine? No? My my, you are a special one indeed. There are many lights that you can turn off to save energy, starting with the interior cabin lights. You don’t need these to be left on all the time, no one does. If you are fumbling around for something in your car late at night, fair enough, otherwise just leave the fucking things turned off. Secondly, indicators. The purpose of indicators is to show other road users what your intent is as you approach junctions etc, yet I bet every one of you uses them even when there’s no one else on the road. Why? What is the point? Who exactly are you signalling to? My advice is don’t bother. Lastly, and this one is specifically for the drivers of Lexus IS200’s and Golf GTI’s, driving with your fog lights on is not compulsory, despite what you may believe. In fact, it’s actually wrong to use them all the time, I swear. Use this test to help you decide whether or not you should be driving with your fog lights on:

Q. Is is foggy and/or snowing?

If the answer is yes, turn your fog lights on. If the answer is no, turn off your stupid fucking fog lights you pathetic asshole. Do you think that fog lights are somehow impressive? Did you ever hear someone say ‘Wow! Look at that car, it’s got FOG LIGHTS!’ ? No you didn’t. You, sir, are a sad sack of shit.

That’s all for now, I’ll be back with some more Extreme energy saving advice soon. Until then, keep on doing stuff, and not doing the stuff I just told you not to do. Adios!

Fuck me it’s freezing.

The sooner this recession really bites, the better. I’d fucking love to be unemployed this morning…

click for full size

What a crazy 48 hours it has been. It would appear that Bertie’s resignation theme tune is proving to be very popular. I’m truly shocked that it has gained so much interest, thanks to all who have been emailing it to friends and family, hopefully they all got a good laugh out of it!

I’m also very surprised at the number of emails I’ve received praising (or condemning, mostly praising though) what I’ve written. Thanks very much but in future, please, please, please use the comment form, I can’t be arsed replying to your emails individually.

Right, that’s all, I’m off to get drunk. Have a good weekend.