Did you ever? #1
Have sex with a girl, then afterwards say:
“you didn’t tell me you had your period”
only to hear the reply
“I don’t”
Hurts, don’t it?
Just how stupid do you have to be…
…to fall for this?
“We helps you connect and share with people in your life”
Oh, really?
Well, me tells you to grow a fucking brain. If you are going to phish for facebook login details, it would be a good idea to AT LEAST put the facebook logo on the landing page. It kinda loses effect without it, don’t you think?
Why anyone would want to access the results to hundreds of ‘what type of vegetable are you?’ quizzes is a bit of a fucking mystery.
One for Sorrow
As I was driving home today, I happened to notice a dead magpie on the road to my house. Okay, so I didn’t stop the car to take the picture below. I stole off some other website. Anyway, you get the idea:
I’m not usually a believer in that crappy poem about magpies but, for once in my life, I see this as a bad fucking omen. I’ve been a supporter of Newcastle United ever since I was a young lad (even before they were ‘good’) and have stuck with them through thin and thinner. As a professional football club, they’re a fucking shambles, always have been. There’s been times when I wished I could strangle the board of directors, or strangle the manager, or strangle the players. Fuck it, sometimes I wanted to strangle all three groups together. Maybe I should strangle myself for choosing to support a band of underachieving losers for 20 years?
I’m convinced that the Fog on the Tyne contains harmful chemicals which cause irreversible brain damage to all those who breath it. How else can you explain the ridiculous management (at both team & board level) and crackpot behaviour which has been a constant attribute of our first team squad? It’s been a fucking team of headcases for as long as I can remember. Joey Barton, Lee Bowyer, Duncan Ferguson, Jonathan Woodgate, Alan Smith, Andy Carroll, Kieron Dyer, Craig Bellamy, Titus Bramble, Joey Barton. All of the above have been in trouble with the law at one point or another (or constantly, as in Joey Barton’s case) and I’m sure there’s loads of others I’ve forgotten about. There’s reform-school soccer teams in Tallaght with less criminal convictions than our lot.
Despite all this, I didn’t think I would ever see the day that we would actually get relegated from the Premier League. Relegation is for shit teams, like Ipswich or Derby County. But here we are, in the drop zone, a point behind Hull…Hull, for fuck sake… with only one game to go, away to Villa on Sunday. Shearer may be a toon legend but we’ve yet to see any divine intervention from the ‘Geordie Messiah’. He’d better get his fucking act together come 3pm Sunday, because we need a miracle. A fucking big one at that.
Calculus FAIL
Had an exam today on the wonderful topic of Integral Calculus. I say wonderful because it’s a wonder that anyone can fully understand that shit. I certainly don’t, not anymore. Although, I used to be quite good at maths, back in the day. Despite having a borderline-retard for a maths teacher, I somehow managed a B1 in honours leaving cert maths. It was a surprising result which has since led me to believe that I have a naturally superior mathematical ability. This morning, that misguided notion was exposed in the worst possible way.
I did study for the exam today which just makes failure all the more painful. How can it be, that I got a B1 in my leaving cert (with little or no study) then, a few years later, miserably fail a course which only covers a fraction of the content included in the leaving cert exam… even after studying? I can only conclude that the intervening (party) years of my life have taken their toll on the ‘learning’ part of my brain. Alcohol, hash, ecstasy and other illicit consumables were enjoyed from time to time, but I would hazard a guess that it was my brief, but intense, penchant for LSD that did the damage.
Some people say that LSD expands the mind, opens up new avenues of thought. In a way, this is undeniably true. Before taking acid, I never appreciated a good wallpaper pattern or the amazing colour of trees. On the other hand, analytical thinking whilst under the influence of LSD is pretty damn close to impossible; simple tasks like changing the tv channel or tying your shoelaces become epic mental struggles. This drug-induced retardation is probably only temporary when acid is taken in small doses, but since I spent roughly three months of my life under the constant influence of hallucenogenics I’m starting to think that some nodes and neurons in the analytical part of my brain have now been fried forever.
Unless the examiner suffers some sort of temporary total mental breakdown whilst marking my particular paper, well, I’ve no hope of passing the exam I sat today. Under normal circumstances, this wouldn’t be a big deal, I would simply study harder (or concoct some excellent cheating tactics) between now and August and sit the repeat examination. Unfortunately for me, the repeat exams take place on the same week as my wedding…
Under normal circumstances, even this wouldn’t be a big problem, so long as the exam wasn’t the day of the wedding (or the day after), I would just take a few hours out of the wedding preparations and go sit the exam. Unfortunately for me, my wedding is taking place abroad, I won’t even be in the country the week of the wedding.
This effectively means I’ve just failed the entire year.
Fuck it.