Each year, in the run up to Christmas, you always hear about that one present that every child wants but no parent can get their hands on. This year it’s the Nintendo Wii. So far, I’ve heard stories of people queueing for hours only to be told there’s none left, people buying them online for nearly double the price and, strangely, I know of a man that robbed a Wii from someone’s unlocked car, but then left €300 in their glove box to pay for it. Gobshite.

In light of all this desperation, you can imagine how hard I laughed this afternoon when I received a ‘corporate gift’ from one of my suppliers in work and opened it to find…A Nintendo Wii! Hooray!

I must admit, the laugh I laughed was an evil sort of belly-laugh; an acknowledgement that I, and not some snot-nosed little shit, will be swinging a shiny white rod around my sitting room on Christmas morning (Christ, that doesn’t sound right). Laughing. Ha ha ha!

Up yours kids! This is gonna be a Merry fucking Christmas indeed.

Whilst out on the first (of my many) smoke breaks this morning, I was perusing through this morning’s bulging edition of bullshit, the Indo. Shame on me. Anyway, I happened to come upon (not like that, you dirty-minded tramp) a rather mis-informative ‘article’ on safety at Christmas, brought to us by none other than the Vintner’s Federation of Ireland.

Aside from the usual crap we hear from this shower of cunts, like the ’social isolation’ of old alcoholics that can’t take their car to the pub anymore, one comment from Padraig Cribben (CEO designate of the VFI) damn near stuck me down with it’s stupidity:

“Today, a large percentage of alcohol is consumed in places other than the pub. The pub is the most controlled and safest place to drink.”

Safest place to drink? My hole. He’s obviously never visited the Jobstown Inn…

With the exception of a handful of quacks in the American Republican Administration, we, as a race, have all now accepted the reality that our planet is fucked… and that it’s pretty much all our fault. But rather than actually make some serious environmental changes, our collective Governments have been dragging their heels since the whole ‘Global Warming’ theory was first put forward some 50 odd years ago.

50 fucking years. And what exactly have the mighty industrialised nations of our world achieved in the last 50 years? Well unless you can call breeding a populace of fat bastards an achievement, they’ve done fuck all.

But perhaps, this is the root of the problem. Fat people are, as we know, slow and lazy. From a global resources perspective, fat people are a strain that we can no longer tolerate. Let’s take a look at the facts:

• A Fat person needs to have bigger clothes, a bigger car and bigger furniture.
• In some extreme cases, fat people require specialised machinery just to move their fat fucking asses.
• Fat people eat more, thereby taking someone else’s share of food.
• Fat employees cost companies millions of lost man-hours per year due to the fact that it takes them longer to walk to and from the toilet/snack machine.
• Fat people use more water when washing (although this is sometimes balanced out by washing less often).
• According to the laws of force, more energy is required to move a fat person. Try this one out yourself.

Everything about these fat cunts is a needless waste. If these people weren’t so resource-hungry, our world wouldn’t be so fucked. So what I suggest is that we put all the fatties to work in ‘human power plants’. No, I’m not talking about Matrix-style bio-cells! They could be just like gyms, but the ‘exercise equipment’ would all be turbine-based so when the fatsos run, cycle or row, their fat asses are being converted into electricity.

This plan which not only would see a huge decrease in our fossil fuel consumption, but also has the added bonus of taking fat people off the streets. And that can only be good.

Think about it.

Christmas parties suck.

Now who on earth would need tinfoil at 3am? Oh, hang on, it’s Tesco Portlaoise.

Now I get it….

With 3 recent cocaine-related deaths still dominating the headlines and the heartbreak still fresh in everyone’s minds, I’m completely shocked to see that every media source in the country is being bombarded with calls and messages from people who say they would like to see drugs legalised. Can someone please tell me what the fuck these people are thinking? They wait until they get a nice-sized group of coke heads dropping dead in a short space of time AND THEN say they want drugs to be legalised?! Why did these idiots not voice their opinions two or three weeks ago? No sane government official is going to entertain the notion of an actual, proper debate after this mess, surely? It’s highly unlikely, at best.

So I suspect that we won’t be seeing changes to our drugs laws any time soon, despite the fact that every person in the country capable of cognitive thought knows that these laws don’t work, never have and never will. People are still going to overdose, crash cars, jump from ridiculous heights or kill themselves in some other equally ingenious manner, regardless of whether the drug was bought in backstreet transaction or over the counter in Boots. No amount of wanky laws are going to stop people from being stupid so perhaps the government should outlaw stupidity instead? It’s got an equal chance of success…

Personally, I’m all for the legalisation and regulation of the drugs trade. Whilst I don’t want to fund any criminal activity, I do, from time to time, want to get fucked off my face on substances that our government doesn’t allow. And to be fair, it’s none of their fucking business if I do.

H

As you probably all know, Ireland’s Top Model - Katy French, said goodbye to this cruel world just a few short hours ago in the arms of her sister Jill at Our Lady’s Hospital in Navan. Another victim of Ireland’s impressive record in the ‘World coke-snorting Championships’. Of course, your not likely to hear the mainstream media say that. It’s waaaaaay too insensitive to say something like that about one of our darling dead Tiger Cubs. According to the latest press reports, Katy French was not, (as many people believed) going a bit heavy on the nose powder at a party when she collapsed. In fact, she wasn’t even at a party. She was merely over at a friends house having a chat… and there were lots of other people there… and it was around 3am, when all of a sudden, she had a mysterious seizure leading to multiple heart attacks. Yeah right. I’ve seen that girl do a bungee jump, there was fuck all wrong with her heart then. And what exactly were all these people doing at 3am, if not ‘partying’? Playing poxy Scrabble?

As I write this, there still been no formal Garda investigation launched into the circumstances of her death, any by all accounts they seem to be taking a very sensitive approach to the matter. Asking a couple of questions here and there, not causing a big fuss. Just keeping themselves to themselves really.

Rewind a couple of days before this awful tragedy, and you might recall that another young man died due to overdosing on the nation’s favourite sugar substitute. His name (in case you’ve already forgotten) was Kevin Doyle, and his friend, John Grey is still in a critical condition at Waterford Regional Hospital. In this situation, however, the Gardai were called in, the house was raided and people were arrested. The media promptly made sure everyone knew that these boys were ‘no-angels’ and were speculating as to what exactly was in the ‘cocktail of drugs’ they had taken. There was no big 6-page spread on the tragic loss of life for this young man, as I’m sure we’ll see in the morning for Ms French. Why not? Well, as it turns out, the lads happened to come from the Sunny Southeast’s Capital of Crime - Ballybeg in Waterford City. And for that reason we are not supposed to give a shit about them.

So what exactly does this say about the ‘unbiased’ media reporting in Ireland? It doesn’t fucking exist, that what it says. I wholeheartedly apologise for the insensitive nature of this post but it drives me absolutely mad to see this kind of bullshit two-tier society crap going on. Whilst Katy French won’t be soon forgotten, Kevin Doyle will hardly even be remembered.

H

**UPDATE**

It’s now 12:51 pm and I’ve come to learn that an official Garda investigation into Katy’s death is now underway. You’re on the ball there lads. The friends have only had 4 days to get the place cleaned up and get their stories straight. Can’t wait to see how this pans out…

As a lifelong contributor to the coffers of our illustrious tobacco industry, you can imagine my dismay upon hearing the news yesterday that cigarettes are going up (again) by 30c. Having said that, it could have been an awful lot worse. Yet again, the government pussied out of the big hike, and yet again the anti-tobacco campaigners were whinging that the latest rise only reflects inflation and that the government should have hit us with a wallet-busting €2 per pack increase. Yikes.

Professor Luke Clancy, and his buddies at ASH, say that the cost of cigarettes plays a huge part in deterring kids from smoking. I say that’s a big load of bollocks. I can remember back when I started smoking the price of a 10 box was around 90p. Now 90p might not sound like a lot of money to you, but in 1989 the only kids that had any money were the ones that just made their communion. And let’s face it, your communion wasn’t exactly the rollover lottery jackpot that today’s kids enjoy. You were probably lucky to get £50. And you were even luckier if your parents didn’t drink that £50 when you were tucked up in bed that night. Thieves. And yet, somehow, we all managed to scrape enough cash together to buy 10 Rothmans (kids were hardcore in the 80’s) every couple of days and so begin our careers in smoking.

That 90p to us back then would be the equivalent of €20 to the flush little fuckers we have now, and so, I think Luke Clancy should give up the game on this one. Either that, or campaign for such an enormous increase that your local Spar will have to start offering finance packages on a box of 20 Benson.

Everyone knows the real reason kids take up smoking. It’s the same reason I started smoking and the reason my parents started smoking and their parents before them. Smoking fucking rocks. You can take a four-eyed, snot-nosed, google t-shirt wearing nerd and stick a cigarette in his mouth and he becomes instantly cooler. It’s like magic. And the reason we all have this amazing image of the cool-as-shit smoker is because every single action hero smokes. Fucking Fact. I defy any man under the age of 40 to tell me that he hasn’t, at some point in his life, stuck a fat cigar in his mouth and uttered the immortal words ‘I love it when a plan comes together’. You say you haven’t? You’re a goddamn liar.

If it wasn’t for Bogart, Brando, James Dean, Schwarzenegger, Willis and even that awful sack Mel Gibson then maybe, just maybe, smoking wouldn’t be so cool. Unless someone comes up with some sort of mind-erasing technology, and wipes my memory of these movie legends sparking up a smoke after a particularly impressive killing spree, then I’m sad to say that I think I’ll be smoking till the day I die…

So stop putting up the price, assholes. It’s not working, it’s just pissing us smokers off.

H