The inaugural Shitetalker of the Month award will open for voting at midnight tonight. I will accept last minute nominations until 10pm tonight but after that I’m gonna be too drunk to chance tinkering around with this thing.

Voting will remain open until midnight on 5th March.

VOTE NOW!

Scumbags. No-one likes Scumbags. Even Scumbags don’t much like Scumbags. And the Irish blogging community most certainly does not like scumbags. Ask Twenty or OneForTheRoad or MJ or any of the numerous commentors on their respective sites. Whatever way you look at it, it’s definitely the latest buzzword and so I decided to give my two pence worth on the Scumbag issue (bandwagon, anyone?).

As I see it, there’s two ways of looking at this topic. Firstly, we have the obvious perspective that all Scumbags are a blight on our society and they should be either hung by the genitalia/sectioned from society at birth/put to work in coalmines or whatever form of punishment takes your fancy. If you’ve read any of the above mentioned blogs then I think they do a fine job of clarifying this point, so no need to go into it here.

But let’s not forget what the Scumbags have done for us…

1. Drugs: If it wasn’t for the Scum, we most certainly would be without our drugs. Drugs are brought over to Ireland by murderous gangs from Morocco, Afghanistan, Colombia and the like and I can’t see a middle class salesman dealing with these guys any time soon. We need our Scumbags as a go-between in order to keep our noses powdered and our rolling-paper companies in business.

2. Knock-off Goods: Everyone’s bought something on the cheap at least once in their life. You know that 42″ LCD TV you just couldn’t turn down at €350? You were told there was a fire in a warehouse somewhere in Holland and they just had to get rid of the TV’s because there was no where to store them. The story is good enough to ease your conscience, even though you don’t believe it for a second.

3. Garda Resources: Scumbags do ordinary people a massive favour here. Sure, it’s taxpayer’s money that pays to have these knackers arrested and locked-up but imagine if the Gardai actually had the time to police the country properly? Without Scumbags tying up all the extra Garda resources, we might find ourselves in jail for whatever white collar crime we’re into (we all do a bit, right?), and minor offences like tax evasion or defrauding your employer might seem like serious crimes. Not good.

And finally,

4. Self Esteem: The Scumbags of this country can do wonders for our own self image. How many times have you looked at a knacker and said to yourself “Thank God I’m better looking/dressed/at reading than them!”. The scum are an important reflection of our own social staus and without them we’d all be a whole lot more depressed.

So before you don your balaclava and crowbar to join Twenty’s vigilante group, think of what our world would be like without the Scumbags. I think you’ll find that they’re not so bad after all…

As the name of this website suggests, I have a tendency to talk shite. A considerable amount of shite, if the truth be told. However, Bertie’s recent insistence that his mother gave him £7000 (and he doesn’t know how she got it), made me realise that there are other people in the world who are also quite adept at this shite-talking lark.

As the owner of Shitetalker.com, I feel it is my duty to recognise the achievements of my fellow Shitetalkers and so I bring you the “Shitetalker of the Month Award”, the ultimate accolade for those among us who can’t operate their mouth and brain simultaneously. I would like to offer my readers and fellow bloggers the opportunity to take part in this great event, with a fantastic prize for the winning nomination!*

*I cannot guarantee that the prize will actually be ‘fantastic’.

1. The person who first declares the winning nominee will receive the prize. Please do not nominate someone already mentioned as you are wasting your time!
2. Only 1 nominee per reader, so choose carefully!
3. Depending on the number of nominations, I may have to exclude some nominees from the poll. I have the final say in which nominees are included in the poll.
4. You can nominate anyone be it a politician, sports star, celebrity, a fellow blogger or (if you like) you can even nominate me, but where’s the fucking fun in that? All I ask is that you can validate your reasons for nominating the person in question and provide links if the topic is not common knowledge.
5. The poll will be conducted at the end of each month.
6. I feel it is important to point out that I will not require any personal information other than your email address to deliver the prize. Unfortunately, due to the nature of the prize, readers from outside the ROI may have no use for it.
7. The prize is non-negotiatable.

CURRENT NOMINEES:

Bertie Ahern - Mahon Tribunal gibberish - Nominated by Pinkie
Marcus Sweeney - Derek Zoolander moment - Nominated by Mrs Shitetalker

This blogging thing isn’t as easy as I first thought. I mean, it’s not fucking rocket science, but some days it seems that inspiration is pretty hard to come by. Today is one of those days. Luckily, the title of my blog gives me licence to write about pretty much anything so long as it’s not well thought out or accurately researched. Sweet.

I had been trying all evening to find something funny/interesting to blog about but kept drawing up blanks. The fact that the news is very samey today isn’t helping. Bertie this, Winehouse that, Maddie’s still hiding, etc… Hardly good sources for the type of light entertainment I aim to provide for you. So I googled some well-chosen keywords (gibberish) to see if there was a way to rapidly improve my power of thought. And guess what? I found it!

Now a brain bubble may sound like something that can put you on life-support, but according to this website it’s a little-known technique to “permanently boost your IQ in 3 weeks”. Intrigued? No? Neither was I, but fuck it, I read it anyway. Basically, it involves holding your breath for long periods of time to “expand the carotid arteries that feed your brain. They open wide to allow more oxygen rich blood to flow to the brain”, which, apparently, makes you smarter.

‘That seems easy’ I thought. So I held my breath for about, oh, 30 seconds. A pitiful first attempt (smoking still rocks though, fuckers).

I tried again…45 seconds this time. Getting better, and smarter!

I tried a third time… 1 minute 10 seconds. With a piercing pain in my heart and lungs close to collapsing, I decided that I’d had enough.

Some mere minutes later, my brain began to unblock itself. I could feel my mind begin to wander and I closed my eyes to experience the full effect of these new thoughts. Maybe this brain bubble thing works after all! Just then I thought a really good thought, one that made me realise I was definitely a little bit smarter and wiser now than I was before. I thought…

“If holding your breath makes you smarter, how come Siobhan Kearney couldn’t think of way to escape her demise?”

Oh yes. I am now, officially, a genius.

I’ve really gone and done it now. How could I be so stupid, so careless? What the fuck was I thinking?

In case you’re wondering what I’m talking about, perhaps you should click the link below my sidebar. Or just click here, it ’s probably easier. Now, you see? I’ve made the ultimate error…

My missus is blogging.

Fuckedy fuck fuck fucked, that’s me.

The US Justice Dept yesterday announced plans to introduce a ‘Kill Leaderboard’ for all US citizens at home or living abroad. From 1st May 2008 US citizens will receive 1 point on this Leaderboard for each ‘attributed death’ on their hands. The announcement comes just days after yet another high-profile college massacre in the States and, even more recently, a high speed car crash that took the lives of 8 people.

A spokesman for the US Justice Dept said, “There has been an unofficial leaderboard running for many years now, it’s maintained by an underground organisation but most people don’t know about it. We just want to give these killers the recognition they deserve”.

When asked what exactly the Department hoped to achieve with this measure the spokesman stated, “The US has a serious crime problem and a large percentage of that crime is either homicide or manslaughter. We are tackling this crime problem in the same way that other countries might tackle the drugs issue… we are decriminalising murder.”

Anti-gun groups have slammed the measure as a ‘vote-clincher’, and are gravely concerned that many more children will be killed as a result. The Justice Dept have taken these concerns onboard and have since announced that under 12’s will only count for a 1/4 of a point on the Leaderboard and 14-18 year olds will count for a 1/2 point (excluding Nevada where under 14’s count for double points).

The ‘Trenchcoat Mafia’ have also attacked the Justice Dept’s plans saying, “How are we supposed to compete with the guys out on duty in Iraq or Afghanistan? They can pump round after round of ammunition into the inhabitants of little villages over there, all paid for with my…. sorry, my dad’s, tax dollars. Plus nobody’s really counting over there so who’s to know they aren’t lying? We want the Department to revise the scoring scheme so that officers on duty only receive a fraction of their actual kill-count”.

Despite the uproar, the Department is determined to go ahead with the plan and has even hinted at the introduction of an annual “Murder Awards”. The Justice Dept spokesman told our correspondent that “We (the government) are looking to discourage the type of random massacres that have become so commonplace in our schools and colleges. A Murder ‘Oscar’ would be the ultimate achievement to those who put some creative thought and style into their killing sprees. It’s hoped that our major weapon, knife and car manufacturers will be onboard to sponsor a ceremony of this kind.”

Meanwhile, our own Government has issued a warning to Irish Citizens to be wary of any Americans that may be living nearby, “They (the Americans) can score points by killing people over here too. We would ask that retailers refuse to sell sharp implements or heavy tools to anyone with an American accent. Watch out for any unusual activity in your community and, if it comes to the crunch, get them before they get you.”

I’m fucking bored to tears.

…YOU MOTHERFUCKIN PIECE OF SHIT!!!

*smash*

Sorry about that. Nothing in this world is as liable to drive me into a violent rage as my mobile phone. That’s the third one I’ve destroyed in such a fashion since last summer. I really shouldn’t blame the phone, it’s the cunt on the other end of the line that I’d like to smash off the wall, the infuriating prick.

I’ve had a mobile phone for as long as I can remember, in fact, I was one of those ‘yuppie bastards’ that had a mobile way back when they were the size of your average toaster. And it never really bothered me that I was contactable at any given time, most likely because people didn’t call you at strange times of the day. But in the last few years it seems that ‘office hours’ have been abolished and your colleagues/clients think they can (and should) call you whenever they fucking please. Some people have even gone as far as leaving blatently abusive comments on my voicemail simply because they can’t get in touch with me. What the fuck is with that? Since when did it become law that you must be contactable 24 hours a day, 365 days a year?

Maybe it’s just because I’ve got a shit type of job and this doesn’t happen to other people, but I don’t think so. What has happened to our society that we can’t simply finish work for the day when we leave the building? Why does some annoying asshole (usually, the boss) make ridiculous demands of me during my time off? Why can’t people just fuck off and LEAVE ME ALONE!!!*

Fuck it… my phone is in bits.

Can anyone recommend to me a good replacement?

*Not you, unless you’re my boss.