US set to go kill crazy with introduction of the ‘Murder Oscars’
The US Justice Dept yesterday announced plans to introduce a ‘Kill Leaderboard’ for all US citizens at home or living abroad. From 1st May 2008 US citizens will receive 1 point on this Leaderboard for each ‘attributed death’ on their hands. The announcement comes just days after yet another high-profile college massacre in the States and, even more recently, a high speed car crash that took the lives of 8 people.
A spokesman for the US Justice Dept said, “There has been an unofficial leaderboard running for many years now, it’s maintained by an underground organisation but most people don’t know about it. We just want to give these killers the recognition they deserve”.
When asked what exactly the Department hoped to achieve with this measure the spokesman stated, “The US has a serious crime problem and a large percentage of that crime is either homicide or manslaughter. We are tackling this crime problem in the same way that other countries might tackle the drugs issue… we are decriminalising murder.”
Anti-gun groups have slammed the measure as a ‘vote-clincher’, and are gravely concerned that many more children will be killed as a result. The Justice Dept have taken these concerns onboard and have since announced that under 12’s will only count for a 1/4 of a point on the Leaderboard and 14-18 year olds will count for a 1/2 point (excluding Nevada where under 14’s count for double points).
The ‘Trenchcoat Mafia’ have also attacked the Justice Dept’s plans saying, “How are we supposed to compete with the guys out on duty in Iraq or Afghanistan? They can pump round after round of ammunition into the inhabitants of little villages over there, all paid for with my…. sorry, my dad’s, tax dollars. Plus nobody’s really counting over there so who’s to know they aren’t lying? We want the Department to revise the scoring scheme so that officers on duty only receive a fraction of their actual kill-count”.
Despite the uproar, the Department is determined to go ahead with the plan and has even hinted at the introduction of an annual “Murder Awards”. The Justice Dept spokesman told our correspondent that “We (the government) are looking to discourage the type of random massacres that have become so commonplace in our schools and colleges. A Murder ‘Oscar’ would be the ultimate achievement to those who put some creative thought and style into their killing sprees. It’s hoped that our major weapon, knife and car manufacturers will be onboard to sponsor a ceremony of this kind.”
Meanwhile, our own Government has issued a warning to Irish Citizens to be wary of any Americans that may be living nearby, “They (the Americans) can score points by killing people over here too. We would ask that retailers refuse to sell sharp implements or heavy tools to anyone with an American accent. Watch out for any unusual activity in your community and, if it comes to the crunch, get them before they get you.”
