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Grand Theft Blotto

I’ve got a confession to make. I like alcohol, I like it a lot. An American that drank as much as me would probably spend at least three weeks out of every year of their life in a rehab clinic. Americans are strange. The main problem I have with alcohol is not health, work or relationship related. The problem I have is alcokleptomania… a terrible compulsion to rob shit when I’m drunk.

I’ve robbed all sorts of things whilst under the influence, things I don’t even want, things I don’t need. I don’t really know why I do it, I’m usually so fucked when the alcokleptomania kicks in that I don’t even know about it until the next morning when I wake up and see someone’s licence plate and a 24 pack of yoplait yogurts on my bedside locker. Don’t ask.

But today I seek forgiveness for my crimes. I can’t go to church because last time I went there it induced a near-fatal case of boredom in me. So instead I confess to you, the public… The public that doesn’t know who I am or where I live, incidentally.

So here I go:

I once robbed a bottle of Sambuca from a bar. The bartender was chatting up a girl at the end of the bar when I sneaked around and shoved it up my sleeve (of all places). Didn’t get caught. Didn’t feel guilty.

I once robbed a mobile phone at a party. I couldn’t even use it because it was switched off and I (obviously) couldn’t guess the pin. Threw it into a bin down town.

Another time I was at a concert and I tried to rob some guy’s coat. The dude collared me and I had to pretend that I had a coat the same as his and it was an honest mistake. He should’ve beat my ass right there but he fell for my convincing lies. I went back later and robbed his coat when he wasn’t looking. Idiot.

I went to see Pearl Jam in the Point and got seriously, seriously twisted. Don’t even remember going into the place. Woke up the next morning with a concrete hand in my pocket. From a statue I presume? ? ?

I once robbed 13 glasses, 6 ashtrays and a barstool (all in one night) from a Rugby Club bar. Note to rugby club owners: When a drunken cunt shows up at your bar with an empty sports bag and leaves with a full (clinking) sports bag, you should probably stop him at the door.

Another time, I was at a crazy party in an abandoned house. Got really fucked. Probably the most fucked I have ever been. Woke up the next morning with a high-nelly bicycle in my bedroom. I then noticed I was missing my wallet, my phone and one of my shoes. I don’t really know if this one counts because it might have been a drunken exchange(?).

But lastly, and worst of all, I once robbed a car… my neighbour’s car… at only 15 years old… on Christmas Eve. Could it get any worse than that? Yes, I crashed the fucking thing. Worse still? I got fucking caught. Son of a bitch.

So tell me, is this shit normal… or do I need help?!