A colleague of mine sent an email to my work account this morning, it went something like this:

To: none@ofyourfuckingbusiness.com

From: asshole@iemaileveryonewitheverybitofshitifindonline.com

Subject: A song for Bertie

This is fuckin hilarious - check it out!

http://www.shitetalker.com/2008/04/i-will-resign/

How I laughed.

Irishblogs.ie is a funny ‘ol site. Not ha ha funny, but funny in a weird ‘what the fuck?’ kind of a way.

I don’t use the site very often (well, practically never) but tonight I felt compelled to have a look and see if someone, anyone at all, was out there blogging about something other than blogging itself or the Blog Awards which, incidentally, are nerdtacular, despite what Twenty would have you believe. Or at least that’s what I’ve heard… Needless to say, the ‘normal service’ you would expect from the blogging community has not yet resumed, with most of the bloggerers still patting each others backs or nursing their nerdy little hangovers.

I then happened to notice that Irishblogs have a ‘Popular Searches’ link thingy somewhere down the right hand side of the page and was somewhat confused by it’s contents. Being a bit of a nerd myself I have an Alexa toolbar which informed me that Irishblogs is (roughly) the 56,000th most popular website in the world and so I assume that they get at least 2000 unique visitors per day. So, I wondered, how can ‘tatoos’ (not my spelling), ‘utube’ (again, not my spelling) ‘naked rugby’ and ‘naked rugby players’ possibly be among the most popular searches? Surely the blog-reading public aren’t collectively stupid enough to misspell tattoo or youtube that many times? And I can totally understand ‘paris hilton nude’ being in there but ‘naked rugby’?! Fuck. I didn’t even know it was a sport.

Being curious and sly (and extremely bored) I then wondered what it would take to rig the popular searches to include ‘Shitetalker’ in the listing. One or two searches ought to do it, I thought. So I tried, but no luck. I tried it a few more times… still nothing. I’ve since concluded that the script must have an IP tracker built-in to prevent some asshole like me from rigging the links to get more visitors. Smartarses, eh?

The anal and stubborn side of me refuses to let a crappy little script win on this one, but unfortunately, I can’t do it alone:

You can Click Here to help me get to the bottom of this mystery,

or you can Click Here if you would rather not.

And before you say it, yes I do realise that this post is going to appear on Irishblogs.ie and yes I can probably get de-listed for trying this shit. That’s why I’m posting it in the middle of the night.

Two can play the Smartarse game

*wink*

This blogging thing isn’t as easy as I first thought. I mean, it’s not fucking rocket science, but some days it seems that inspiration is pretty hard to come by. Today is one of those days. Luckily, the title of my blog gives me licence to write about pretty much anything so long as it’s not well thought out or accurately researched. Sweet.

I had been trying all evening to find something funny/interesting to blog about but kept drawing up blanks. The fact that the news is very samey today isn’t helping. Bertie this, Winehouse that, Maddie’s still hiding, etc… Hardly good sources for the type of light entertainment I aim to provide for you. So I googled some well-chosen keywords (gibberish) to see if there was a way to rapidly improve my power of thought. And guess what? I found it!

Now a brain bubble may sound like something that can put you on life-support, but according to this website it’s a little-known technique to “permanently boost your IQ in 3 weeks”. Intrigued? No? Neither was I, but fuck it, I read it anyway. Basically, it involves holding your breath for long periods of time to “expand the carotid arteries that feed your brain. They open wide to allow more oxygen rich blood to flow to the brain”, which, apparently, makes you smarter.

‘That seems easy’ I thought. So I held my breath for about, oh, 30 seconds. A pitiful first attempt (smoking still rocks though, fuckers).

I tried again…45 seconds this time. Getting better, and smarter!

I tried a third time… 1 minute 10 seconds. With a piercing pain in my heart and lungs close to collapsing, I decided that I’d had enough.

Some mere minutes later, my brain began to unblock itself. I could feel my mind begin to wander and I closed my eyes to experience the full effect of these new thoughts. Maybe this brain bubble thing works after all! Just then I thought a really good thought, one that made me realise I was definitely a little bit smarter and wiser now than I was before. I thought…

“If holding your breath makes you smarter, how come Siobhan Kearney couldn’t think of way to escape her demise?”

Oh yes. I am now, officially, a genius.

The US Justice Dept yesterday announced plans to introduce a ‘Kill Leaderboard’ for all US citizens at home or living abroad. From 1st May 2008 US citizens will receive 1 point on this Leaderboard for each ‘attributed death’ on their hands. The announcement comes just days after yet another high-profile college massacre in the States and, even more recently, a high speed car crash that took the lives of 8 people.

A spokesman for the US Justice Dept said, “There has been an unofficial leaderboard running for many years now, it’s maintained by an underground organisation but most people don’t know about it. We just want to give these killers the recognition they deserve”.

When asked what exactly the Department hoped to achieve with this measure the spokesman stated, “The US has a serious crime problem and a large percentage of that crime is either homicide or manslaughter. We are tackling this crime problem in the same way that other countries might tackle the drugs issue… we are decriminalising murder.”

Anti-gun groups have slammed the measure as a ‘vote-clincher’, and are gravely concerned that many more children will be killed as a result. The Justice Dept have taken these concerns onboard and have since announced that under 12’s will only count for a 1/4 of a point on the Leaderboard and 14-18 year olds will count for a 1/2 point (excluding Nevada where under 14’s count for double points).

The ‘Trenchcoat Mafia’ have also attacked the Justice Dept’s plans saying, “How are we supposed to compete with the guys out on duty in Iraq or Afghanistan? They can pump round after round of ammunition into the inhabitants of little villages over there, all paid for with my…. sorry, my dad’s, tax dollars. Plus nobody’s really counting over there so who’s to know they aren’t lying? We want the Department to revise the scoring scheme so that officers on duty only receive a fraction of their actual kill-count”.

Despite the uproar, the Department is determined to go ahead with the plan and has even hinted at the introduction of an annual “Murder Awards”. The Justice Dept spokesman told our correspondent that “We (the government) are looking to discourage the type of random massacres that have become so commonplace in our schools and colleges. A Murder ‘Oscar’ would be the ultimate achievement to those who put some creative thought and style into their killing sprees. It’s hoped that our major weapon, knife and car manufacturers will be onboard to sponsor a ceremony of this kind.”

Meanwhile, our own Government has issued a warning to Irish Citizens to be wary of any Americans that may be living nearby, “They (the Americans) can score points by killing people over here too. We would ask that retailers refuse to sell sharp implements or heavy tools to anyone with an American accent. Watch out for any unusual activity in your community and, if it comes to the crunch, get them before they get you.”

Although I’m not exactly long on this Earth (a mere 26 years), I’ve noticed during the course of my working life (a poxy 10 years) that the frequency of staff members showing up for work drunk and/or high has been in steady decline, freefall even. Around the turn of the millennium, it used to be that you weren’t expected to show up sober on a Saturday or Sunday morning, in fact, you’d usually be the odd one out if you did. I can remember (or at least partially remember) many occassions where I would get a taxi from a party straight into work. And I can remember at least two occassions where that taxi was shared with a female member of staff who was also at the same party who also got no sleep because i boned (or attempted to bone) them all night long.

I didn’t realise it at the time, but looking back now I see that this was the golden age of the whole Celtic Tiger thingy. Everyone, including our employer, knew that there was literally thousands of companies crying out for staff, so none of us gave even the slightest bit of consideration to our work and some even relished the prospect of telling the boss to shove his job up his hole. We might have had shit jobs and our employer might have had shit staff, but we had shit jobs that we could act the bollocks in and our employer had shit staff which was somewhat better than having no staff at all. Everyone was happy.

In the intervening years between then and now things have gotten progressively worse. First came the EU expansion which, in effect, meant we had to sober up or face being replaced by the no-nonsense, hard-working Eastern Europeans (Although I must admit the Poles kick our asses when it comes to being drunk in the morning) . Then came the poxy cunt that is the smoking ban and took away our precious fags too. THEN they bring in a drugs-testing policy at work so the fuckers can sack you when they know that you’re still off your head from the previous night. And before you know it, they’ll be looking to get us electronically tagged in case we spend a little longer than we should in the toilet. It’s like having a free gaff for the week when, suddenly, your parents get home early. They stop to have a brief chat with the Gardai that have been stationed outside the house for the last 3 days, kick the passed-out guy off the lawn, puncture the bouncy castle (who’s idea was that anyway?) and plug out the stereo. The party’s over.

But all is not lost, the news that there may be a recession has pricked my ears and, to be honest, I can’t fucking wait for it to happen! It’s been ’socially unacceptable’ to be on the dole at any stage for my generation because if you’re in that 1-2% of Irish nationals that can’t get a job people tend to think that you’re either a lazy, good-for-nothing cunt or that you must be mentally challenged. But, luckily, there’s no shame at all in being part of a 12-15% section of society that can’t get a job. And after I drink a couple of bottles of jack, snort a few lines, pop a few pills then show up for work in a near-maniacal state and proceed to screw the work experience girl, anally, and in full view of the boss whilst telling him that he can mimic the act I’m performing with his job and his own ass, I think it’s safe to say that I’ll find myself in that 12-15% for quite some time. Result.

With the exception of a handful of quacks in the American Republican Administration, we, as a race, have all now accepted the reality that our planet is fucked… and that it’s pretty much all our fault. But rather than actually make some serious environmental changes, our collective Governments have been dragging their heels since the whole ‘Global Warming’ theory was first put forward some 50 odd years ago.

50 fucking years. And what exactly have the mighty industrialised nations of our world achieved in the last 50 years? Well unless you can call breeding a populace of fat bastards an achievement, they’ve done fuck all.

But perhaps, this is the root of the problem. Fat people are, as we know, slow and lazy. From a global resources perspective, fat people are a strain that we can no longer tolerate. Let’s take a look at the facts:

• A Fat person needs to have bigger clothes, a bigger car and bigger furniture.
• In some extreme cases, fat people require specialised machinery just to move their fat fucking asses.
• Fat people eat more, thereby taking someone else’s share of food.
• Fat employees cost companies millions of lost man-hours per year due to the fact that it takes them longer to walk to and from the toilet/snack machine.
• Fat people use more water when washing (although this is sometimes balanced out by washing less often).
• According to the laws of force, more energy is required to move a fat person. Try this one out yourself.

Everything about these fat cunts is a needless waste. If these people weren’t so resource-hungry, our world wouldn’t be so fucked. So what I suggest is that we put all the fatties to work in ‘human power plants’. No, I’m not talking about Matrix-style bio-cells! They could be just like gyms, but the ‘exercise equipment’ would all be turbine-based so when the fatsos run, cycle or row, their fat asses are being converted into electricity.

This plan which not only would see a huge decrease in our fossil fuel consumption, but also has the added bonus of taking fat people off the streets. And that can only be good.

Think about it.

Now who on earth would need tinfoil at 3am? Oh, hang on, it’s Tesco Portlaoise.

Now I get it….