Scumbags. No-one likes Scumbags. Even Scumbags don’t much like Scumbags. And the Irish blogging community most certainly does not like scumbags. Ask Twenty or OneForTheRoad or MJ or any of the numerous commentors on their respective sites. Whatever way you look at it, it’s definitely the latest buzzword and so I decided to give my two pence worth on the Scumbag issue (bandwagon, anyone?).

As I see it, there’s two ways of looking at this topic. Firstly, we have the obvious perspective that all Scumbags are a blight on our society and they should be either hung by the genitalia/sectioned from society at birth/put to work in coalmines or whatever form of punishment takes your fancy. If you’ve read any of the above mentioned blogs then I think they do a fine job of clarifying this point, so no need to go into it here.

But let’s not forget what the Scumbags have done for us…

1. Drugs: If it wasn’t for the Scum, we most certainly would be without our drugs. Drugs are brought over to Ireland by murderous gangs from Morocco, Afghanistan, Colombia and the like and I can’t see a middle class salesman dealing with these guys any time soon. We need our Scumbags as a go-between in order to keep our noses powdered and our rolling-paper companies in business.

2. Knock-off Goods: Everyone’s bought something on the cheap at least once in their life. You know that 42″ LCD TV you just couldn’t turn down at €350? You were told there was a fire in a warehouse somewhere in Holland and they just had to get rid of the TV’s because there was no where to store them. The story is good enough to ease your conscience, even though you don’t believe it for a second.

3. Garda Resources: Scumbags do ordinary people a massive favour here. Sure, it’s taxpayer’s money that pays to have these knackers arrested and locked-up but imagine if the Gardai actually had the time to police the country properly? Without Scumbags tying up all the extra Garda resources, we might find ourselves in jail for whatever white collar crime we’re into (we all do a bit, right?), and minor offences like tax evasion or defrauding your employer might seem like serious crimes. Not good.

And finally,

4. Self Esteem: The Scumbags of this country can do wonders for our own self image. How many times have you looked at a knacker and said to yourself “Thank God I’m better looking/dressed/at reading than them!”. The scum are an important reflection of our own social staus and without them we’d all be a whole lot more depressed.

So before you don your balaclava and crowbar to join Twenty’s vigilante group, think of what our world would be like without the Scumbags. I think you’ll find that they’re not so bad after all…

The US Justice Dept yesterday announced plans to introduce a ‘Kill Leaderboard’ for all US citizens at home or living abroad. From 1st May 2008 US citizens will receive 1 point on this Leaderboard for each ‘attributed death’ on their hands. The announcement comes just days after yet another high-profile college massacre in the States and, even more recently, a high speed car crash that took the lives of 8 people.

A spokesman for the US Justice Dept said, “There has been an unofficial leaderboard running for many years now, it’s maintained by an underground organisation but most people don’t know about it. We just want to give these killers the recognition they deserve”.

When asked what exactly the Department hoped to achieve with this measure the spokesman stated, “The US has a serious crime problem and a large percentage of that crime is either homicide or manslaughter. We are tackling this crime problem in the same way that other countries might tackle the drugs issue… we are decriminalising murder.”

Anti-gun groups have slammed the measure as a ‘vote-clincher’, and are gravely concerned that many more children will be killed as a result. The Justice Dept have taken these concerns onboard and have since announced that under 12’s will only count for a 1/4 of a point on the Leaderboard and 14-18 year olds will count for a 1/2 point (excluding Nevada where under 14’s count for double points).

The ‘Trenchcoat Mafia’ have also attacked the Justice Dept’s plans saying, “How are we supposed to compete with the guys out on duty in Iraq or Afghanistan? They can pump round after round of ammunition into the inhabitants of little villages over there, all paid for with my…. sorry, my dad’s, tax dollars. Plus nobody’s really counting over there so who’s to know they aren’t lying? We want the Department to revise the scoring scheme so that officers on duty only receive a fraction of their actual kill-count”.

Despite the uproar, the Department is determined to go ahead with the plan and has even hinted at the introduction of an annual “Murder Awards”. The Justice Dept spokesman told our correspondent that “We (the government) are looking to discourage the type of random massacres that have become so commonplace in our schools and colleges. A Murder ‘Oscar’ would be the ultimate achievement to those who put some creative thought and style into their killing sprees. It’s hoped that our major weapon, knife and car manufacturers will be onboard to sponsor a ceremony of this kind.”

Meanwhile, our own Government has issued a warning to Irish Citizens to be wary of any Americans that may be living nearby, “They (the Americans) can score points by killing people over here too. We would ask that retailers refuse to sell sharp implements or heavy tools to anyone with an American accent. Watch out for any unusual activity in your community and, if it comes to the crunch, get them before they get you.”

With 3 recent cocaine-related deaths still dominating the headlines and the heartbreak still fresh in everyone’s minds, I’m completely shocked to see that every media source in the country is being bombarded with calls and messages from people who say they would like to see drugs legalised. Can someone please tell me what the fuck these people are thinking? They wait until they get a nice-sized group of coke heads dropping dead in a short space of time AND THEN say they want drugs to be legalised?! Why did these idiots not voice their opinions two or three weeks ago? No sane government official is going to entertain the notion of an actual, proper debate after this mess, surely? It’s highly unlikely, at best.

So I suspect that we won’t be seeing changes to our drugs laws any time soon, despite the fact that every person in the country capable of cognitive thought knows that these laws don’t work, never have and never will. People are still going to overdose, crash cars, jump from ridiculous heights or kill themselves in some other equally ingenious manner, regardless of whether the drug was bought in backstreet transaction or over the counter in Boots. No amount of wanky laws are going to stop people from being stupid so perhaps the government should outlaw stupidity instead? It’s got an equal chance of success…

Personally, I’m all for the legalisation and regulation of the drugs trade. Whilst I don’t want to fund any criminal activity, I do, from time to time, want to get fucked off my face on substances that our government doesn’t allow. And to be fair, it’s none of their fucking business if I do.

H

As you probably all know, Ireland’s Top Model - Katy French, said goodbye to this cruel world just a few short hours ago in the arms of her sister Jill at Our Lady’s Hospital in Navan. Another victim of Ireland’s impressive record in the ‘World coke-snorting Championships’. Of course, your not likely to hear the mainstream media say that. It’s waaaaaay too insensitive to say something like that about one of our darling dead Tiger Cubs. According to the latest press reports, Katy French was not, (as many people believed) going a bit heavy on the nose powder at a party when she collapsed. In fact, she wasn’t even at a party. She was merely over at a friends house having a chat… and there were lots of other people there… and it was around 3am, when all of a sudden, she had a mysterious seizure leading to multiple heart attacks. Yeah right. I’ve seen that girl do a bungee jump, there was fuck all wrong with her heart then. And what exactly were all these people doing at 3am, if not ‘partying’? Playing poxy Scrabble?

As I write this, there still been no formal Garda investigation launched into the circumstances of her death, any by all accounts they seem to be taking a very sensitive approach to the matter. Asking a couple of questions here and there, not causing a big fuss. Just keeping themselves to themselves really.

Rewind a couple of days before this awful tragedy, and you might recall that another young man died due to overdosing on the nation’s favourite sugar substitute. His name (in case you’ve already forgotten) was Kevin Doyle, and his friend, John Grey is still in a critical condition at Waterford Regional Hospital. In this situation, however, the Gardai were called in, the house was raided and people were arrested. The media promptly made sure everyone knew that these boys were ‘no-angels’ and were speculating as to what exactly was in the ‘cocktail of drugs’ they had taken. There was no big 6-page spread on the tragic loss of life for this young man, as I’m sure we’ll see in the morning for Ms French. Why not? Well, as it turns out, the lads happened to come from the Sunny Southeast’s Capital of Crime - Ballybeg in Waterford City. And for that reason we are not supposed to give a shit about them.

So what exactly does this say about the ‘unbiased’ media reporting in Ireland? It doesn’t fucking exist, that what it says. I wholeheartedly apologise for the insensitive nature of this post but it drives me absolutely mad to see this kind of bullshit two-tier society crap going on. Whilst Katy French won’t be soon forgotten, Kevin Doyle will hardly even be remembered.

H

**UPDATE**

It’s now 12:51 pm and I’ve come to learn that an official Garda investigation into Katy’s death is now underway. You’re on the ball there lads. The friends have only had 4 days to get the place cleaned up and get their stories straight. Can’t wait to see how this pans out…