Q&A Session
Friday, March 14th, 2008I was very, very late getting home from work today and the missus doesn’t much like it when I’m late. As I staggered through the door after a horrendously long day, I prepared myself for the usual lecture about putting my job before my family and how she’s been at home all day with the kids and blah blah blah blah blah. As I walked into the kitchen I saw her sitting down at the table, hunched over the laptop. She raised her head for a second to give me the evil eye and then focused her attention back to the computer.
This is fairly standard, I would usually get about 20 minutes of silent treatment before she lets rip. I sat down across from her and waited for the abuse to begin. To my surprise, she began to speak straight away. I wasn’t at all prepared for the question she asked me:
“Do you believe you have more difficulty with relationships than the average person your age?”
“Eh?”
“Just answer the question, do you believe you have more difficulty with relationships than the average person your age, yes or no?
“Look, I’m sorry I’m late, but I don’t really know where you’re going with this…”
“JUST ANSWER THE FUCKING QUESTION! YES OR NO?!”
“OK, OK! Yes, I probably do hav…”
“Right. Do you have difficulty trusting people?”
“What?! Show me that computer…”
“Sit your ass down! Good, now answer the question, yes or no?”
“Jesus Christ… yes, yes I do. You of all people should know that”
“Do you tend to avoid social relationships?”
“For fuck sake… No…”
This sequence of events continued for what seemed like an age. She was dissecting my life question by question; yes or no, yes or no. I answered each question truthfully, which, in hindsight, was pretty odd considering that I’m a compulsive liar the rest of the time. I didn’t know what the fuck she was after getting into her head, I mean, she’s had her moments before, but this was downright weird and I had a bad feeling about what it was leading up to.
“Ok that was the last question”
“Thank fuck for that. You going to tell me what that was all about?”
“It’s a test. I’m trying to find out what the fuck your problem is…”
“Christ almighty…Ok so, what’s the fuck is wrong with me?”
“…Just a sec. Ah yes, here we go: you are a Narcissistic, Schizoid, Histrionic, Anti-Social, Obsessive, Compulsive, Paranoid Prick… Now get off your fucking hole and wash the dishes, I’m going to watch telly”
Fancy-talking cunt. Whatever happened to just being plain ol’ mental?
