It’s Monday again. This might help.

Yup. That’s me.

Sadly, this is one of my better posts.

I’m an environmentalist. Not one of those tree-hugging, non-washing, hippie freaks, but I am an environmentalist none the less and I’m moderately concerned about the future of our planet. Since I am still quite young, I feel I have good reason to be concerned. Sure, it’s okay for you oldies who’ll be long dead before our atmospshere turns yellow and burns the skin off your face but, statistically, I’ve got another 50+ years in this life and I don’t want to spend the last of them breathing ‘Tesco Value Refined Air’ through a gas mask. God knows I won’t be able to afford the branded stuff.

So instead of just sitting back and watching my planet decompose in a aura of toxic fumes, I’ve decided to publish some helpful guides on how to restrict wasteful energy consumption in your daily life. Hopefully, I can help you change your bad habits and insult some annoying wankers in the process. In the first of these guides we will be looking at how you can save energy whilst driving your car:

Extreme Energy Saving Guide Part 1 - AUTOMOTHINGYS

You would think that with the current high prices of petrol and diesel, every motorist would be trying to minimise the amount of fuel consumed when they drive. Apparently not. Here are some easy tips to maximise your MPG:

1. Accelerate slowly. I have noticed lately that some people seem to think that they should go from 0-60 in 6 seconds every time they take off simply because their car is capable of doing this. I have also noticed other people who seem to think that their car can go from 0-60 in 6 seconds despite the fact that it is a 1995 Toyota Starlet and it is more likely to burst into a ball of fire than hit the 60mph mark in anything less than 25 seconds. Accerating hard burns fuel a lot faster than normal and revving your heap of shit car to the point that it can be heard in neighbouring counties makes you a certifiable tosspot.

2. Slow down and keep your distance. This one goes out to the motorist who insists on driving only in the overtaking lane when on motorways. Constantly braking and revving and braking and revving up the tailpipe of every car that has the audicity to be in your way. This is a very wasteful practice as braking reduces the momentum of the car which you then have to replace by accelerating once again. Not to mention the fact that every other person using the motorway thinks you are the highest order of cunt. Which you, no doubt, are.

3. Turn off unneccessary lights. Did you know that the lights inside and on your vehicle are not powered by some sort of magical perpetual motion machine, but actually consume the same fuel that powers your engine? No? My my, you are a special one indeed. There are many lights that you can turn off to save energy, starting with the interior cabin lights. You don’t need these to be left on all the time, no one does. If you are fumbling around for something in your car late at night, fair enough, otherwise just leave the fucking things turned off. Secondly, indicators. The purpose of indicators is to show other road users what your intent is as you approach junctions etc, yet I bet every one of you uses them even when there’s no one else on the road. Why? What is the point? Who exactly are you signalling to? My advice is don’t bother. Lastly, and this one is specifically for the drivers of Lexus IS200’s and Golf GTI’s, driving with your fog lights on is not compulsory, despite what you may believe. In fact, it’s actually wrong to use them all the time, I swear. Use this test to help you decide whether or not you should be driving with your fog lights on:

Q. Is is foggy and/or snowing?

If the answer is yes, turn your fog lights on. If the answer is no, turn off your stupid fucking fog lights you pathetic asshole. Do you think that fog lights are somehow impressive? Did you ever hear someone say ‘Wow! Look at that car, it’s got FOG LIGHTS!’ ? No you didn’t. You, sir, are a sad sack of shit.

That’s all for now, I’ll be back with some more Extreme energy saving advice soon. Until then, keep on doing stuff, and not doing the stuff I just told you not to do. Adios!

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What a crazy 48 hours it has been. It would appear that Bertie’s resignation theme tune is proving to be very popular. I’m truly shocked that it has gained so much interest, thanks to all who have been emailing it to friends and family, hopefully they all got a good laugh out of it!

I’m also very surprised at the number of emails I’ve received praising (or condemning, mostly praising though) what I’ve written. Thanks very much but in future, please, please, please use the comment form, I can’t be arsed replying to your emails individually.

Right, that’s all, I’m off to get drunk. Have a good weekend.

First I was afraid
I was petrified
Kept thinking Mahon would find out
About my takings on the side
And I spent so many nights
Thinking how I got it wrong
But I grew strong
When I learned how to play along
But then the banks
Those fecking gays
They went and showed the jaysis court
That I got cash from the UK
I shouldn’t have lodged that bloody sterling
I could’ve spent it on me holidays
If I had known for just one second
All the questions it would raise

So off I go, I’ll walk out the door
I’ll go to ground now
‘Cause I’m not welcome anymore
Weren’t you the ones who said it’s time to say goodbye?
Health service crumbled
Property market died
Oh no! Now I
I will resign
Now the shit has hit the fan
And the country’s in decline
I’ve done my share of theft
And no credibility left
So I’ll resign
I will resign

It took all the guile I had
To look the injured part
Keep trying to pretend
The public broke my heart
And I spend oh so many nights
Just looking sorry for myself
But I’m good at lyin’
Inside I’m laughing all the time
And you’ll soon see me
Somebody new
I’ll get my government pension
Hey I’m not done with screwing you
I know how to milk the state
I learned all yer tricks, Haughey
Now I’m saving all my backhanders
For an island off Kerry

Ho ho! Now I
I will resign
And I’ll get three hundred grand
Instead of doing any time
I’ve got an easy life to live
Two fucks I couldn’t give
About your cryin’
When I resign…

AVAILABLE IN ALL GOOD RECORD STORES NOW!

Shitetalker of the Month is back and better than ever, 100% better!

In case you’ve forgotten, or weren’t reading this shit a month ago, here are the rules

I’ve decided to DOUBLE the prize for the winning nomination because, let’s face it, €10 is a pretty crappy prize, even by shitty blog-prize standards. €20 is not so shitty.

If, perhaps, you would like the chance to win €20 of call credit for the network of your choice, get your nominations in before midnight 31st March. Good luck!

CURRENT NOMINEES:

So here it is, St. Patrick’s Day. I will get 8 hours of sleep now then follow up with 12 hours of patriotic drunkeness, a chicken baguette, taco fries and perhaps a row. I will then need a good 12 hours of near-comatose sleep coupled with extreme snoring, farting, etc. before I’m ready to face the world again.

If I’ve got my calculations correct, that should leave me with 30 minutes to wash the smell of drunken cunts off me, produce some searing-hot scutter, get dressed, drink coffee and then drive (erratically) into work for 8.30am Tuesday morning.

It may not be a great plan, but at least it’s realistic…

…it’s um… mostly just me… sitting around and drinking all day. Now that Morah and the kids are gone’